strange winds are a blowin'

the last few weeks have been very interesting. i feel like perhaps God is opening up some new ideas to me. maybe not necessarily 'new', but more concrete. i wrote awhile back about performing at the cafe and how great it was. it's weird...it was a lot of fun but in the days that followed, thinking about performing again did not excite me. i couldn't for the life of me figure out why. it took a lot of soul-searching, praying, journaling, and talking to somewhat understand what was going on. so...get ready for my ground-shaking discoveries:
first, i realized that, although i really enjoyed the night at the cafe and singing with emily, i still don't like to perform. it's just not in me. plus getting into the whole artsy, music community is not me either!
second, i realized that the time i'd have to be away from tony and jonah in order to practice/perform/etc. wasn't worth giving up. i really like being with my family and the times that we are all together are too few already. tony's work schedule SUCKS and i never get to spend quality time with him except on saturdays and sundays. plus i really like hanging out with jonah and i miss him when we're not together. our times together, as a family, are sacred to me and giving those up to do something i'm not all that excited about doing anyway just didn't seem right.
i also realized that the only arena of music that i'd like to fit into my schedule eventually is choral music. that's not really a possibility now because who knows when we'll be leaving, but i want to seek that out wherever we go from here. i miss choir like crazy...sometimes so much so that i feel like crying. (not that that's hard to imagine or anything!) i think i like it more too because it's not me doing my own thing, but it's me being a part of something bigger and more amazing than i could ever be on my own.
i still really want to be a part of leading worship. i know it seems crazy because it's being up in front of people, but it isn't performing to me. it's something completely different. i really hope and pray that wherever we go, i'll be able to be a part of that...even if i'm not necessarily the 'leader'; although i'd really like to be the 'leader' and be able to devote more time to all aspects of leading worship. who knows. guess we'll just have to wait and see.
and finally, i think i'm ready to explore the songwriting end of things more deeply. i love to write...mostly because it's cathartic...and i've always toyed with the idea of just being a songwriter, but i've always had a small, selfish part of me that wanted to hold on to it. 'it's my music so i want to sing it, not let somebody else do it.' but i'm realizing more and more that i can't, and don't want to, hold on to it like that anymore. plus i really want to write more music for the church. there are so many crappy 'worship songs' out there....maybe not so much 'crappy' as just not very deep or theologically sound. i haven't completely fleshed it out (and who knows, i may never be able to!) but i know it's where my heart is leaning.

whew...so that's a lot. i know there's more to be discovered too, but it will just take time. it's all exciting and new, but a little strange too; definitely not what i pictured happening. funny how that works. i'm starting to get a little antsy about the future too...but that's for another day. let's just suffice it to say that we have no idea where we're going and no concrete possibilities. so, if you think of it, pray for us.
just one picture to leave you with today...my absolutely gorgeous baby boy (just like daddy!) i know, i know...